Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
