I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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