my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
