sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I want a musical about memes.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
