I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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