omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
