i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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