I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
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