He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
