i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
