i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
