Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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