She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
