I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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