I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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