I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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