Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
