why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
