get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
