dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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