he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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