My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
