I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
