I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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