we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
