Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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