I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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