wakey wakey hands off snakey
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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