My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
