My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
