You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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