I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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