he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
