he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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