I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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