I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
