How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
