my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
