entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
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