Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
