Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
