She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
