I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
do herpes really smell.
this just has baby written all over it
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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