I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
