If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Randomize
