I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
