doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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