woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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