Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
