I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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