You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
