Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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